In memory of...

Katie went to a funeral yesterday. It wasn't another first experience for her (that was Peter's grandfather when she was 4 months old), but another life cycle event that reminds us about the importance of life, friends, and family. My Uncle Alan died on Monday. His health has not been good over the past few months, but no one had expected him to die just yet, especially when his father lived to be 100. I realized that I don't have a picture of Uncle Alan so I thought I'd share this one from my grandfather's 99th birthday party, August 2003. My cousins Illyse (white shirt) and Matthew (right) are Alan's children and Jill (black shirt) is Matthew's wife. [Illyse is a very loyal Urban Meadow fan]. Next to my grandfather is Sophie, his fantastic wife of almost 13 years. We hope to go to Florida soon to see her.

It was definitely a debate about whether Katie should go to the funeral. Clearly she wouldn't understand what was going on and we suspected she wouldn't be quiet enough to be respectful (2-year-olds are not known for respect, I remembered this the other day when she tried to knock Meadow with the broom). Yet we felt that death is part of life and there's no reason to separate her from that, especially when her presence might be a comforting reminder of the continuity of life in the next generation. I debated this with my friend Sara who is both the daughter of a rabbi and the wife of a rabbi, as well as a Jewish educator. She explained to me that probably from the time she was Katie's age her parents took her to funerals of the older congregants who sat in the back of their synagogue and gave her candy, so she grew up with an understanding of death and that it was a natural part of life. It was a beautiful and eloquent e-mail and I have to thank her for that.

So back to yesterday. Peter sat with Katie outside the service - he could hear what was said but no one could hear Katie. And we all went to the burial together in Brooklyn. It was a very old Jewish cemetery and it was right next to the elevated train. Katie got excited each time a train came by and said "The subway! The subway!" I really think Katie added some light to a sad day. Back at Susan's apartment, Katie kept herself busy in the other room coloring and doing her favorite Clifford puzzle and I'd like to think that she was a pleasant distraction for Susan whose grandchildren couldn't be there. And everyone mentioned that Katie was so good. I'm taking her back tonight for shiva and I'm hoping her behavior continues, especially because it will be late.

A few words about my uncle. My cousin Matthew had a beautiful eulogy for his dad, just as he had for my grandfather 2 years ago. He said my uncle was an imposing figure - very tall and large with a loud voice. I found this very intimidating when I was little and really preferred to be around my Aunt Judy. Alan was very smart and shared many of the same interests with my grandfather and my dad - music, reading, and politics (Kaplan men don't quite make it to the tennis court you know). He did all the obligatory uncle things for me; he even came to my college graduation - because our family had gone to his children's graduations years before. I can't imagine that entire family had any desire to spend the weekend in Providence - and I did not blame them in the slightest - and they were there anyway. Thankfully he and Susan welcomed Peter into the family even with his differening political views. And Jill & Matthew's wedding was the first Kaplan family occasion I took Peter to.

Aunt Judy died when I was 9 and I have very fond memories of her. Judy's nephew was at the cemetery yesterday. We're the same age and he grew up in Illinois, but I remember many different occasions we played together when he visited NJ. Isaac and I had not seen each other in 24 years and it was nice to see him so many years later - both of us grown and married with the children the same age - and now he lives in Park Slope (just like Knuffle Bunny). I have to say that it was almost like visiting a past life in that way, especially because I think Isaac's mom looks like a much shorter version of Aunt Judy. Susan, Alan's wife, has been in my life since about the time I was 12 and is a wonderfully warm person and I know that we'll continue to be part of her family.

So I'll end now with my favorite Uncle Alan memory. In 1985, my dad was in a terrible car crash. He skidded and hit a bus head on and shattered his hip. After a long recovery, he was back at work. The night before his first post-accident trial, my dad was very nervous. He hadn't been in the courtroom for a while. My uncle came over and spent many hours that night sitting at the kitchen table with my dad, going over the trial and what my dad was going to say, boosting his confidence and making him feel better about the next day. I was about 11 at the time and it made an impression to me. Uncle Alan's presence showed me that even as an adults, siblings, especially big brothers, are there to support you.